Jesus, where are you?

After talking and crying to my friend, I had explained to her how I felt like I was walking a parallel path of what Jesus wants for me. I'm kind of on the right track but need to find more of Jesus so He can show the way. So I told her I was searching for Jesus and wanting to know where I could find more of Him. There is a deeper connection He wants to have with me. Scripture tells us "….seek and you will find…"(Matthew 7:7). So seeking I went. I was looking for Him in the Bible, (thinking that was the obvious place to start), I was looking for Him in other books about Christ, looking for Him at Church, looking for Him through friends and relationships, I just keep looking but…nothing, no Jesus. My friend turns to me with a smile and as she is walking toward me asks, "You know where He is?" With wonder in my head thinking…..I already tried the Bible He's not there, so…..no, not exactly. She places her hand on my heart and says, "He's in here." It took a few minutes but the light bulb went on.

It seems so simple right? He told me I asked Him into my heart a long time ago but never really knew He was there. I was looking for Him in all the wrong places. Mostly in my relationships with men. The hurting I felt when I realized my boyfriend didn’t accept Christ, was the hurt Christ felt when I didn’t realize He was in my heart, because it meant I hadn’t fully accepted Him. "What?" I thought, I hadn't accepted Him? I couldn’t believe it. All this time, trying to do the right things and be good "Christian" I hadn't accepted Christ? He told me I knew it in my head, but it was my heart that He wanted. So right then, I handed it over. Gave Him all control and I found Him. I know where He is. He's in my heart! He really is in my heart! I told Him I wanted to hang on tight to Him and never let Him out of my heart and then He tells me the best way to hold tight to Him is to open my heart and let Him pour out.

Something Still Missing

Obviously I had been doing something wrong in my relationships with men. I had already been divorced, had several relationships go down the drain but not without a lot of tears on my friends shoulders with heart ache and pain I had never felt before. It hurt to put so much into a relationship, to give everything I had only for it to be stomped on and crushed. Relationship after relationship it was the same story, just with a different guy. I’d checked his credentials, and he believed in Jesus. That was all I needed. I’d see some great qualities, qualities I’d love to have in a man, he’d tell me what I wanted to hear. That he loved me and thought, “I was the one for him”. “Wow, really” I’d think. Is he really the one? Well this one must be if he says, “I’m the one for him”. Over and over again which only ended with a broken heart each time. I didn’t understand it; I made sure we both believed in Jesus, each and every time. What was it, what was missing? There had to be something more. I knew the next guy I found was going to be the one because I was going to do it right, I was going to make sure everything was perfect.

We met, and I was careful and cautious, asked all the right questions. We had the perfect first date, the best date I have ever been on actually. We talked about work, family, friends, and our favorite thing to do and see. We would have brief conversations about morals and values and things we believed in, nothing too in depth. I figured that would come along later. So compatible, wow what a match I thought. His company was great too and it was so easy for him to make me laugh. I even had my family meet him. We talked about having a future together, and growing old together. We talked about kids and where we would live. I couldn’t believe it, I had finally found him. The one I have been looking for, except, every now and then there were little things that struck me as odd, things about his faith, but I didn’t want to press any issues. I’d try to have conversations about faith but they would always be interrupted or the subject changed. But there was this burning inside me that wouldn’t go away. I needed to know more about his faith and what he believed. I was questioning if once again I hadn’t fallen into my pattern of falling to quickly. After praying with a friend one night and telling her my concerns about this relationship, I knew I had to talk with him. I knew this meant most likely, it wasn’t going to be pretty too.

The morning before I went to talk to him, I received a satanic visitation. I was half asleep and felt a dark, heavy pressure on me, as though something was trying to crush me. It felt like my mouth and throat had been paralyzed so that I couldn't speak. I just kept saying “Jesus”, it sounded more muffled than clear, it left anyway. I believe Satan was trying to bully me into not proclaiming Christ. His plan didn't work, this only affirmed I was doing the right thing.

I went to see him the next day and talked with him about my concerns and sure enough he wasn’t a true believer. I thought I had done everything right this time. I tried so hard to convince him, bringing up “proof” that Jesus existed, it wasn’t that he didn’t believe in Jesus he told me, but that too many things in his life couldn’t be forgiven and he didn’t deserve Him. I told him it wasn’t like that, the price for our sins has already been paid, Jesus paid that debt. It was a gift given to us by the love of God. He just couldn’t accept that though, he needed to pay for what he had done and couldn’t let Jesus take it from him. He was nice and had good morals, but he didn't believe that Christ was the Son of God, he didn't believe everything in the Bible was true, and he didn't base his life decisions on the Word of God. I knew that we as Christians aren't to be "yoked with an unbeliever" so I knew I had to break it off. I knew this would not be the fulfilled life I had been promised. I told him it would be a sad life to live with someone who felt like they didn’t deserve Jesus. None of us deserve Jesus, but that’s why He died on the cross, His grace has saved us. I couldn’t make him see the truth. It hurt to hear him talk about not accepting Christ. He believed in Jesus but didn’t accept Him. I didn’t understand this. How could this be, how could you believe in something yet not accept it? I felt like I was at fork in the road, I could either stand firm on the truth and what I believe or I could make a sacrifice and have a relationship with someone who had so many great qualities that I have been looking for, for so long. I couldn’t see myself in a relationship where my “husband” didn’t want to go to heaven, his words not mine. I couldn’t do it, it had to end. I had to stand firm on what I believe to be true. I realized then my credentials needed to include more than just believing in Jesus. This doesn’t mean I won’t pray for him and pray for truth in his life but it does mean I’m not willing to sacrifice Jesus for only bits and pieces of happiness.

I called a friend crying because once again I was broken hearted, but this time my heart was hurting for a different reason. Not even because my relationship ended, but more for Jesus. As though I felt a small part of what He does when someone doesn’t accept Him. My heart was full of pain. I didn’t understand not accepting Christ. After all He had done for us, shedding His blood on the cross. It didn’t make sense to me. I needed Him in that moment. Needed more of Him. I needed to find Him.