The Desire

I realized when you ask Jesus into your heart, He places Himself there and dwells within you. He dwells, do you know what this means? He enjoys and delights to be in your heart.

From last Friday, (August 1, 2008) things have been so different for me. I know only five days of truly accepting Christ in my heart and I’m completely different, my thinking is different. For 28 years I grew up believing in God and knew Jesus died on the cross for my sins. I was brought up with these beliefs but I didn’t truly know what it meant to have Christ in my heart. That is not a decision someone can make for you, it has to be made by you and only you.

Remember when I said I was at a fork in the road? God wanted to know what I really wanted; I had to make a choice. An easy decision this was not. I had such a desire to be married and to have a family, not out of desperation but a deep desire… a longing. I really thought this could have been him, the one. Something was missing though, I didn't know what, but something. I knew in my head the truth. I had heard so many times before that Christ was enough, and to live your life for Christ, to allow Him into your heart, that He should be the center of all relationships, etc. I knew I had to choose Christ, I knew in my head He was what I wanted. I stood firm on what I believed to be truth and with that... my heart was opened it was no longer a knowing in my head...it was in my heart.

It was in this moment I felt the chains of bondage fall from me. I had been set FREE. Free from myself, from what I thought to be truth, from living the life I thought I should instead of how Christ wants me too. It was as though I had been in a cage for so long and didn't realize this door had been opened. Walking around in the cage living life how I thought I should, doing what people thought I should, doing the "right thing", doing good things for people, helping when I should. Don't get me wrong all those things are great, but I was doing them in bondage. This is a hard concept for me to explain, I think finding the words to express this is difficult. I'll come back to this and try to make sense of what I mean.

I was placing all my wants and desires on my relationships expecting them to be fulfilled through the people I was with. My desire was placed in me by God...for God. I have been filled, no more do I long to be with someone, don't get me wrong I still want to be married and someday have a family but the yearning for it is gone. Even though it hasn't happened yet, I praise God because I know in my heart, it's coming. This is faith, a knowing in your heart the promises God has made, have been met before His reveal.

Remember my "pie chart"....it's gone. God was not designed to only be in portions of my life, He is in all of it. A good friend told me “God is the fragrance of my life”. Like when you spray perfume or cologne, it fills the room, it goes everywhere. It doesn't just stay in the area you spray it; you can smell it even in the next room. God is in every aspect of my life.

Jesus, where are you?

After talking and crying to my friend, I had explained to her how I felt like I was walking a parallel path of what Jesus wants for me. I'm kind of on the right track but need to find more of Jesus so He can show the way. So I told her I was searching for Jesus and wanting to know where I could find more of Him. There is a deeper connection He wants to have with me. Scripture tells us "….seek and you will find…"(Matthew 7:7). So seeking I went. I was looking for Him in the Bible, (thinking that was the obvious place to start), I was looking for Him in other books about Christ, looking for Him at Church, looking for Him through friends and relationships, I just keep looking but…nothing, no Jesus. My friend turns to me with a smile and as she is walking toward me asks, "You know where He is?" With wonder in my head thinking…..I already tried the Bible He's not there, so…..no, not exactly. She places her hand on my heart and says, "He's in here." It took a few minutes but the light bulb went on.

It seems so simple right? He told me I asked Him into my heart a long time ago but never really knew He was there. I was looking for Him in all the wrong places. Mostly in my relationships with men. The hurting I felt when I realized my boyfriend didn’t accept Christ, was the hurt Christ felt when I didn’t realize He was in my heart, because it meant I hadn’t fully accepted Him. "What?" I thought, I hadn't accepted Him? I couldn’t believe it. All this time, trying to do the right things and be good "Christian" I hadn't accepted Christ? He told me I knew it in my head, but it was my heart that He wanted. So right then, I handed it over. Gave Him all control and I found Him. I know where He is. He's in my heart! He really is in my heart! I told Him I wanted to hang on tight to Him and never let Him out of my heart and then He tells me the best way to hold tight to Him is to open my heart and let Him pour out.

He Speaks

I was just leaving Target the light had turned green and I was on my way back home when something told me to go back and go to the Christian bookstore. Huh I thought, what? Did I hear that? Did I sense that? Did I feel it? Well the farther I drove from the bookstore the louder it got so I turned around and went back. I walked in thinking I must be here because I’m going to see someone I know. Looking around I saw…no one, at least no one I knew. Feeling a little silly just standing there I pretend to be looking for a book all the while in my head saying "I feel stupid, I don’t know what I’m doing here, I should just leave". I start to pull a book from the shelf and read the title and then put it back, just pretending to be doing something, I’d pull out the next one, read the title and put it back, this happened about four or five times until I pulled out the book entitled “Letting God Meet Your Emotional Needs”. I almost dropped the book. I realized then I didn’t have it all figured out. I bought the book and read it, answered some questions I had. It was great. So for the most part I learned Christ should be first in your relationships, ok, got it.